The Phantom Feeling

It’s that wake up in the middle of the night feeling like something is terribly wrong. You quickly reach into your pocket, purse or bag and check your phone. Why? Because you want to make sure that no one has tried to call or text you…I am guilty of having these ‘Phantom Feelings’ and have felt convicted of them lately. It is on a rare occasion that I am not within 5 ft of my cell phone, and I have started to have a love/hate relationship with it.

There have been times in my life that I check my phone multiple times in short time spans to check to see if I have a missed call, text, received a facebook message, check twitter updates, wordwithfriends challenge, email or the latest news. At the time it is happening I’m not thinking too much about it, but when I look at the big picture I can’t help but think I have a problem.

Why am I checking in so much into this world, and not pursuing the Lord with that same passion as I do my phone at times? Why am I more worried about being 5 ft away from my phone, and not worried about being 5 ft away from the word of God? Why am I constantly making time to see if I have missed a call or message from someone? Yet creating time to “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) is a constant struggle for me. Why do I check my phone for messages when I know that it hasn’t been ringing or buzzing throughout the day?

In Psalm 1:2 ‘his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night’. This is what I want for my life. I must consistently turn to the scriptures and memorize the messages that the Lord has already left for all of us. I must renew my mind and worry more about missing what the Lord is trying to teach me in certain moments, and not worry about missing a call from someone who I can just call back later.

Do you know that feeling I’m talking about? Are you addicted to your phone?

I read this today, one of my mentors posted this on his blog and I just felt so convicted! So I wanted to share it on my blog so it could hopefully bless one of your days :)  

What my summer could be...

When asked what I have planned for my summer, I said growing closer to God. I'm sooo super excited for summer (if you couldn't tell from my last blog) because I just get several months with no homework, no stress, no worrying, and so much less distractions. I'm seriously so excited to get all this time to just rest in God. I love the thought of resting in God... I love actually resting in God. To just spend time in His word when it is just me and my daddy! I love reading His love letter to us and spending time in prayer. This summer I'm planning on spending the whole summer pouring life and love into the people who surround me. I'm going into this summer with the mindset of glorifying God and using my talents that He has given me.  In my blog "Living Missionaly" I added a song by Lecrae called dream and I just think it goes perfectly with this topic. I want to change peoples lives. I want to be in peoples "circle" like dean talked about in the faculty chapel. The other day Lisa Porter encouraged me soo much by telling me that she's already seen me working in the lives of other people. If I dedicate my summer to just helping people out and volunteering somewhere I think that I will get soo much closer to God, after all Matthew tells us that what we do for the least of those we do for Him. I can't wait for this summer!! I'm soo excited!! I pray that God works through me even in the teeniest tiniest way this summer :)

This Summer!

This summer I'm not doing too much stuff - but I'm so so excited for the summer :) One thing I'm going to be doing is going to kamp from June 4 - June 18th and I'm SOOOOOO excited!! 29 more days <3 <3 <3. Hehe :) Kamp is my favorite thing of all time. If I could stay there year round - I would!! This year I'm bringing my friend Leigh to kamp, which is fun! and this is my first year to go back the same term and get to be with all the same people!! So I can't wait to see all my sweet friends :) Literally this place is my heaven on earth!! I adore that we don't have our computers or cell phones or anything like that!! I love it! I love getting away from the world to get to focus on God and strengthening my relationship with Him!! I can't wait to be a counselor there! But this year the theme is "Game On" which I think will be really interesting!! But that is one of my main, main things this summer!! 

Another thing I'm doing is Rush Week in Pensacola, Florida! I'm going on a mission trip with four of the five girls I do a Bible Study with - Brooke Fritcher, Angela Pidala, Blakely Smith, and Ashton Binkley! These people are awesome girls that I can't wait to experience a mission trip with. This will be my first *of many* mission trips and I can't wait!! We will be witnessing to children and working at VBS's in poorer areas and just ministering to the people or Pensacola! I seriously am sooo excited! I can't wait to do this and I think it will be one of the best weeks of my life so far :) My little sister and Brooke Fritchers little sister and Ashton Binkleys little sister (who are all really close although none of them go to school together) are all going as well! So it will be fun to get to spend this time with my baby sister :) and I'm super excited that she'll be going on her first mission trip two years ahead of me so that she can have even more opportunities! I think it'll be cool seeing her in this element and helping her out!! 

Lastly, are the little things I'm doing this summer. The majority of my summer will be spent at home - which is fine by me!! I want to read alot, I have way to many books that I want to read soo bad, but that I haven't been able to because I'm busy with school! So I'm excited about diving into those! Also over the summer I usually really get into community service! I love community service and so do my friends! I think its soo fun :) (as dorky as that may be). I'll also be leading VBS at First Baptist for a week and be doing the Houston Project during July at First Baptist! I hope to also be babysitting my sweet cousins Somya and Saaya this summer!! And any other kids I can babysit - I just love babysitting! There's a single mother on my street (who doesn't work during summers) and I think I'm going to work something out with her so that twice a month I'll babysit her four sweet kids for free so she can have some nights off and not have to worry about paying me! But I guess thats just a little glimpse into my summer!! I'm soo ready for it!! <3

Spreading the Good News

I'm not really sure where to even start. I want my life to be devoted to God and dedicated to spreading His Word. It would bring me joy to be a missionary or a counselor of some sort for the rest of my life - however, we'll see what God has planned for my life. I think I could be doing a MUCH better job and telling people about Jesus. There are numerous times I can remember where I felt like God was calling me to talk to someone about Him, and I ignored Him and disobeyed what He was calling me to do. Once I felt really called to talk to one of my sweet, sweet friends who was going down the wrong path with her boyfriend. I really didn't want to offend her in anyway and make her think that I didn't love her. But the actuality I later realized was that if I didn't talk to her about it and try to help her - then that would be me not loving her. Because If I truly love her that means I want to help her get on the right path - regardless of her response, because I care about her. But when I felt God was calling me to do this it was like midnight and I was laying in bed and I was thinking about just not talking to her about it.. But literally like a few minutes later I get a text message from the girl and she was talking about this other guy (not her boyfriend) and it was like God was handing me the perfect opportunity to talk to her about it. After I talked to her we had an amazing conversation and she was so thankful that I talked to her.. she's still taking babysteps at getting better with her situation but I feel like God made us closer as sisters in Christ because of my obedience and for that he blessed our friendship. I constantly have to pray to be strong and courageous. When I think about it - the most influential people in my life, the people that I look up to and hope to one day become  are women of Christ who are unashamed! They are courageous and they love Jesus so much that it just overflows and you can tell that they have Jesus in them just by their smile and the way they talk. It makes me soo inspired to become like them, thankfully I'm not filled with jealousy towards them, instead its a longing to have Jesus shining through me. Another one of my amazing friends Tyler decided that after being a Christian his whole life... Christianity "just isn't for him". When he told me this my heart broke. It is so so so heart breaking to hear that someone you care so much about isn't a Christian. Tyler has asked me to pray for him and I have been.. we talk like once every other week and I just check in with him. Thankfully he's going to Kanakuk again this year (thats how I know him) and I've just been praying that God will speak through his counselors and bring sweet Tyler back to Christ. We talked a little bit about hypocrisy and its at the end of the article we read and I'll be the first to admit - I'm not free from hypocrisy. I gossip when I shouldn't... I lie about stupid things that don't even matter... I do things that are not reflecting Jesus Christ. But I am working on these things. I want the last thing that people think of me to be a hypocrite - a white washed tomb. Mark 1:15 says, "'The time has come' he said. 'The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!'" Even typing out this verse today has been "hard." Not sure if that is the word I am really looking for but let me see if I can explain. Sometimes, I cringe with the thought of the truth of the gospel. Meaning the truth that there is a heaven and a hell. The truth that some people will be in hell for eternity. Even typing it is just "hard". I am not a writer or speaker of eternal damnation or fire and brimstone. But Truth is Truth. As Debbie Jo has taught me the book of Revelation and I have listened 2-3 times to her breakdown of this book I have to believe that the end is truly near. Is it tomorrow, I dont know? Is it in 30 more years, could be? Is it in 50 more decades, that too could be possible? I think the biggest word that sticks out to me in this verse is repent. Its the one area in my life that I have to be on myself of not forgetting, now that I am His child, to confess and repent over my sins, each day! As you read this verse, does your heart rate speed up because of excitement (mixed with a tid bit of unknown of heaven) and that the kingdom of God is going to be awesome! or does your heart rate speed up because you aren't sure you are even in the kingdom of God? If it's the latter, God's near to you! Basically all in all, I want to spread the gospel courageously, unashamed! And I want to spread the gospel through my life... not just my words.

Celebrating the Death of Osama Bin Laden - Should We?

Well, to start off, I already thought Osama Bin Laden was dead. I know - I'm very uninformed. I need to work on that... anyways I do not think we should celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden. I agree with the statement that we all deserve to be punished and we should rejoice in God's great love that he has saved us from ourselves. Romans tells us that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and that the wages of sin is death. However, we have an awesome God who saved us from this death. Romans 2 also says that "if you think you can judge others you are wrong." We are in no position whatsoever to judge what Osama Bin Laden deserved. We all deserve the same punishment which is death and I don't think we should celebrate for his death.. Mrs. Jackson and I were talking the other day about whether or not all sins are equal. We talked about it for a while and in my opinion, I think in the eyes of God sin is equal. God HATES sin. Revelation 21 says that liars, murderers, cowards, adulterers and more will ALL have a place in the lake of burning sulfur. God hates sin. However, we talked about how on the earth there is a measurement of sin to keep the world in order. We talked about how maybe God set up this systematic order on earth to keep the world from going into chaos. But it was just our thoughts coming up. Anyways, I think by no means should we celebrate for the death of a person. I think its truly heartbreaking. No matter how horrible of a person they are, like the author of this article said, he was made in the image of God. When asked the question if any of these people celebrating had prayed for Bin Laden to change his heart, it really made me upset. I was really upset that I had never done that, and it really makes me regret not praying for him (I mean... I did think he was dead though) anyways I just really want to start praying for people across the world more. Proverbs 11:30 says wise is the one who saves lives". It needs to be my mission to save lives and if I can just start by praying for people across the world, then I need to do that. God can change the hearts of anyone.. I mean he did for Paul! Dr. Martin Luther King Jr says, "Through violence you may murder the hater,but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,......adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."So in conclusions.. am I pleased this dark period of violence in our country is closed? Sure. Do I want to rejoice in the fact justice is served? I do. Does my mind warn me of deeper issues that will take me to darker places if I hold a contradictory worldview of peace in the NT with the Judgement and wrath God is coming to serve? YES! This is probably the biggest issue to me. How can God bless America when the killing of a killer is issued? Didn't the Muslims say "Allah Akbar" on 9-11 for the same reasons, or in other words...God bless us for the violence we are ensuing on those WE see as villain, mainly America? So the greater question is, whose side is God on? I believe the Bible answers this very clearly. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. That whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." God loved the world and all the people in it. God's side is on those who repent and turn to Him. So as my spirit wants to leap with excitement this chapter of Bin Laden is closed, I'm readily aware of God's pain for the millions of people who die apart from being in His family. It's the whole world that suffers when someone moves from under the banner of God's umbrella of grace and forgiveness. May we be a people who humbly approach the justice we serve. May we take caution our emotions don't leap too fast when God's will be done. "May we continue to focus on our primary objective as faith followers, "Go therefore and make disciples to all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. And teaching them to obey all that I have commanded. For I am with you always, even to the end of the age.' Matthew (28:19)" Andy Braner

Insecurities

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. 

Why do I care about what people think so much? I can say I really don’t care, but thats only a lie. It drives what I wear, what I say, what I do, and what I think. I hate it. I am such a people pleaser. It seems as if saying “no” is the hardest thing to say. I hate conflict, and as a result I only bottle up my emotions, suppress them, sweep them under the rug, neglect my feelings. And as a result I’m a complete mess on the inside. The reality is all this is driven by my own insecurities. Gosh, that feels good to admit. But I know that if I were more secure in Christ, I would be less concerned about what others think. My actions would be more focused on pleasing Him, rather than pleasing others.  I need strength to find my security in Him and not the things of the world. I want the Lord to shine truth in every corner of my heart! I know the voice in my head telling me I'm stupid and awkward and worthless is straight from the devils mouth but I can't drown it out. My frustration is that I recognize the problem but I just dont know how to deal with it. Psalm 13 is my exact heartbeat right now.

   How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?

   How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and every day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

  Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

  my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

  But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.

  I will sing to the LORD,
   for he has been good to me.

the stoplight dilemma

To be honest, I don't come across homeless people very often. I've literally never seen a homeless person in Sugar Land, so there aren't any homeless people in the place I spend most of my time. However, whenever I see a homeless person I always want to help them, I really want to help homeless people and really want to care for them. I have helped homeless people by giving them money and actually last Sunday I helped a homeless man. We gave him two boxes of granola bars, a bag of a variety of chips, toothpaste, a toothbrush, and a gallon of water. He was the sweetest man. He didn't have a sign or anything which showed that he wasn't asking for a handout. He was reading the Purpose Driven Life, which I thought was soo cool. He was just trusting in God to provide for him and he had gotten out of the hospital two days earlier and was homeless and had no money. He was sooo unbelievably thankful and when we drove away he was on his knees with his hands outstretched crying and praying. It was the coolest thing I've ever experienced. Not going to lie we all started tearing up or crying. But I really want to help homeless people and I can't wait till I start driving so I can do this for people all the time. I think a good combination of things to have would be a blanket, water, crackers or granola bars, a little new testament Bible, toothbrush and toothpaste, undershirts, and just little things like that. I also think it would be good to have a little sheet with a list of mens and womens shelters with adresses or maps to them or something :)

Radical Series So Far

I really like this series! Its really awesome and I really like it. But I think he says a lot of what he says in the book. And I've been reading the book so its not really all new ideas and new concepts for me. So that's kind of disappointing but at the same time its really good because then I can remember the things better. but overall I've really liked the series. However, in the middle of the school day I'm honestly not the biggest fan of watching a long sermon..


This series is teaching me a lot about how my life should be. I feel like I'm just repeating myself in all of these blogs though, so I'm not going to go into detail. But its helping me transform my life a lot. Its also showing me what my real dreams are for the rest of my life and thats really exciting to figure out!

These sermons have really made me see what being radical really means. Its helping me see how I can be a radical Christian and be an example to others and its perfect timing because its right when we're applying for d-group leaders! I want to be a really good leader for these kids and I'm soo excited about it! This is shaping my idea of real Christianity and its so cool!

Radical Compassion

God has truly blessed me with compassion. I LOVE people. I love helping people, hurting people, mean people, nice people.. I think you get the picture! I want to pursue a career that has constant interaction with people. I think having radical compassion means loving and helping the people that you may not want to love. To show unconditional love to your enemies and the ones who hurt you. I honestly didn't really even know what this TRULY was until tonight. Isn't it cool how God works?!? My uncle doesn't have the best reputation. He has for sure messed up plenty of times in his life. He has done things to his own family that you would never imagine. After walking out of our lives for several years he came back yesterday to pay a ticket he had to take care of. I thought I would be resentful and I was kind of holding a grudge in my heart, as was my sister. My sisters feelings pretty much stayed and didn't change. I thought I'd be the same way but the second I saw my uncle.. I can't even explain the emotions I felt. It was like the prodigals son story but actually IN my life. It was so cool. My uncle greeted me with a tight long hug with the same husky smell and deep voice he had when he left. All the thoughts of being mad at him, completely left my mind and I was just filled with this love for him and I just wanted to talk to him all night long, and I did! He has completely changed his life around in Alaska and has been sober for 18 months. He shared with us his hopes and dreams and plans and I found myself so excited for him! God truly, truly helped me and changed my heart when I approached my uncle. Radical compassion is forgetting about the way the world says we should feel towards people and what the devil wants us to feel - and loving like Jesus Christ. I want to always have radical compassion and love others always. I want to make a difference in peoples lives and show them love and that I'm willing to help them in every way I can. But I really need to change this "want" and make it a will..

Kyle Lake's Last Sermon

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift."

I love this message!! It is so amazing and just shows how we should make use of our lives. My about me is kind of a mini version of this of what I want my life to be like.. it says

I am a sixteen year old daughter of the almighty God! Christ is whom I live for! I am totally crazy in love with Jesus Christ! I love life and living it to the fullest! We only have one life to live, so why not live the way you want to? I love making new friends and getting to know people on a deeper level. I want to live like no one else has ever lived! I want to go to Africa and spread the gospel, do back flips, sleep under the stars, ride a hot air balloon, climb trees, and live in a hut. I want to love like I did when I was little, holding nothing back. I want to sleep in a rainforest, take a long trip on a train, and run through a puddle in heels. I want to listen to the voice of God 24/7 even when I'm sleeping. I want to bungee jump off a bridge, jet ski in south america, and go on a cruise to Alaska. When it rains, I want it to pour! I want to inspire the world to love! I want to stop just living and live for GOD.

My greatest fear is to be just another teenage girl. I don't want to be average. I want to be what God wants me to be, and I know God has a huge plan for my life, I know its bigger than I could ever think about. I'm scared that I would miss His plan for my life. I have seen what its like to be out of God's will. Its not fun. I'm scared that when Im gone there will be nothing for anyone to remember. I'm scared that when God looks me right in the eyes that He shrinks back thinking about how great my life COULD have been. I'm scared I'm not going to live up to God's, others, or even my own standards. I'm scared of falling short. I am someone that gives all I've got all the time. So when I fail, its hard for me to accept that. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially not God. I know I didn't write about just my greatest fear but if you think about it, everything I just said ties into one thing... I don't want to be average, I want to go above and beyond that bar that was set for me by myself or my parents or whoever.
I dont want to be one in a million.. I want to be one OUT of a million.

David Platt Sermon

We watched another sermon from David Platt and it was really awesome. I really love his messages and they really speak to me, even though its a lot of what his book says. To be 100% honest with myself I have to say that I do want salvation without sacrifice. It's so much easier to conform to this world and follow the ways of the world. But Christianity is hard its never going to be easy. Does anybody else grow weary at times from this whole "fight" analogy we have in scripture? I know there are days when my heart is weary of the fight. I want to give in to my pride, my selfishness, and my thoughts and not fight. I simply share with you the days of weariness will come. But just as I type my weary whimpering, my heart in the depth of it knows that in my weakness He is strong His burden is light. Fighting the good fight will make you weary. but weariness should never make you stop fighting. It means that I keep fighting in the morning as the Lord awakens my heart to His world, instead of snoozing for 20 more minutes. It means that we keep fighting when the world says it;s not a big deal to dress the trendy way, instead we stay trendily-modest with our fashion to directly link us to our security in the Lord. It means that we fight for souls, not grades or esteem or titles. We fight to bring glory to the Lord that has granted us access to eternity with Him. Oh my sweet friends, have you had a weary year this year? Is your fight knocked out of you from the messages the world has written on your heart? The Ultimate Trainer wants to train us each day, each moment in this fight! To have true salvation I want to give up everything. I do. I want to and I need the Lord in order to change my selfish desires. I want CHRIST to be the center of my life. I want to do everything for him. A song by Charlie Hall says, "Everything was made in You Jesus, Breath of every living thing, Everyone was made for You. You hold everything together, You hold everything together. Christ be the center of our lives, Be the place we fix our eyes, Be the center of our lives. We lift our eyes to heaven, We wrap our lives around your life, We lift our eyes to heaven, to You" If you havent heard it you should for sure look it up its one my favorites!! Being dead to ourselves means that CHRIST makes all the decesions in our life. that He is first and number one and that we give everything to Him to decide. A life doing this would be a life after Christ's. A life of imitation and a life of humility and love. God's first commandment requires us to be obsessed with Him alone. When we obsess over worldly things we fail to focus on what matters. Our obsessions are discovered by where we spend our time and money. A lot of the questions this asks I answered in my other blog talking about Radical about a month or so ago.  Christ is my SUPREME JOY. 

Review on Radical by David Platt

Now that you have read some of DeYoung's critiques and Platt's responses to those critiques, what are your thoughts and expectations for the book/sermon series?

Well I can't really answer this because I've already been reading the book. It was interesting reading this critique though because I had never thought of some of the things that DeYoung wrote about. I still really like this book even though there was a lot of negative stuff in his critique and I'm still very excited to continue reading it!

American Dream

To start off I absolutely have LOVED reading the book Radical!! It has given me a rude awakening to what my life IS like and what my life SHOULD be like. In my blog "Living Missionaly" I talked about this book for the first paragraph. This book is bringing my attention that I AM LIVING SO WRONG. And its so so crazy that its taken me so long to see this and I feel so blessed that I was recommended this book and am reading it. Why is it that I am okay with eating three meals a day, when I have 10,000 neighbors in my own city who don't get one meal a day. My personal dream for the rest of my life is soo opposite and honestly hypocritical. I have dreams of being a missionary in Africa or being a teacher who brings my co-workers to Christ or the stay at home mom that devotes my life to raising my children to be strong men and women of Christ. But at the same time my materialistic self wants to live in a big home and drive a nice car. I was reading this article the other day about whether or not you should get a tattoo.. And I created my view that I think you should not get a tattoo if it is to make yourself look better but you only should if it is to bring the glory to God. To start a conversation with someone that could bring them to Christ. One that could open the door to sharing the good news to the people around you. But if someone got one that was representing Christ it acts the same as the whole car with a christian bumper sticker thing. You would ALWAYS be representing Christ. And I started thinking about it and could I do that? I dont think I could. I honestly think that I would be a bad representation of Christ most of the time - just by doing things I don't even think about!! And it makes me upset that I wouldn't be a good representative of Christ. I want to be radical, I can't wait to read the challenge at the end of this book. Every chapter I read makes me want to just sell all of this worldly popular crap that I have and give my money away. Why can't I just do that?? The other night I read a chapter and was laying in my bed just imagining how strong my faith would be if I just sold everything I had (when im not relying on my parents) and just kept the bare essentials and gave it to the poor. To not worry about the stuff I don't need but to trust that God would provide what I need! In class a couple months ago someone said that they think the Bible doesn't actually mean sell all of your possessions and give it all to the poor. I rebutted it quickly and only a few people in my whole Bible class agreed with that. How messed up is that??? We are totally TWISTING the Bible and like re-writing it to fit the stupid idea of what we want and how we want things to be. and it makes me soo sad because I'm sure in someways I'm doing the exacttt same thing..... haha this blog is turning into like a major vent for me. But anyways my dream for the rest of  my life is I want to give my life away. Can I? With God totally!! Will I? I'm not sure but I want to sooo bad and I need to start now. I want to have a total of five beautiful children, two of them being adopted from Africa. I want to marry a man who loves Jesus infinite times more than he loves me. I want to raise my kids in Christ and I want to be a full time missionary regardless of my location or occupation. I just refuse to be the ordinary luke warm Christian. I have way to much desire and God loves me wayy to much for me to just settle with this lifestyle of the normal American. I want to be radical. If that means not getting married and not having my five sweet kids - okay. If that means adopting an orphanage of 20 kids - okay! If it means moving half way around the world to a not so pretty place with a not so good reputation - I'm all for it!! I want to live my life for Jesus and I need to start now.

Stewardship Blog

All of us, no matter what your personality or gifting, are a part of the body of Christ. A year or two ago (and it is still a daily battle!) I really wrestle through the verse 1 Corinthians 12:12
"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." I allowed my head to become a "bobble head." You know, those bobble head dolls with the heads that shake all around. My head was swinging from left to right as I sized up my life, my personality, my gifting, everything with girls in my life. I looked at my friend Lauren and she is this beautiful, loving, smart, amazing and fun to be around friend. I would bobble over to my friend Rachel who has strong, oh-so-wise, and so knowledgeable of God's Word. Then it would bobble to Kristy who is the sweetest girl you will ever meet, always has seasoned words of more sugary sweetness and encouragement, and is always there for you. My heart just took a beating, granted it was my own fists and thoughts that were giving the beating, but still my heart was left questioning my personality, my gifting, and my role in this whole Jesus' body thing. I wonder if you can relate. I finally hit this point at the beginning of this year (yes, it took me 2 years to process this with the Lord, I am somewhat stubborn) where I simply rested in the Lord and who HE has created me to be. If I dont do my role in the body, be it that my role might be being a complete goober in front of my friends or acting crazy in public, then I am telling the Lord that he messed up. What if I am the pinky toe of Christ's body of believer... chellooo, I gotta do the job of the pinky toe! And I want to be the best pinky toe ever so that the body works perfectly throughout! Today in Bible we talked about what our spiritual gifts are and told our friends what we think theres are. I also took a test on it one year at Kanakuk but the gifts my friends told me I had today were leadership, evangalism, pastoring/shepherding, teaching, faithm wisdom, exhortation, giving, and mercy. If these are my gifts I pray that I can use them to the fullest! 

Class Discussion

Today in class we talked about God's view of money and the worlds view of money. After school that day my sweet friend Leigh called me and just poured out her heart to me about what was going on in her life. It led into this awesome conversation about our world and how we need to be in this world and not of this world. We talked about how we don't want to fit in anymore and we shouldn't want to. How we want to be WHOLLY His and be willing to say, "God I trust you and I want nothing more than you. You ALONE are sufficient for me." and not stop at just saying it! To go on and ACT on our beliefs and sell all of our possessions. I started talking to her about the article we read in missions and our talk in missions and she said that that was exactly what she needed to hear. How cool is that?? God works in the most awesome ways!! Once we started talking about the article we challenged each other to wake up in the morning and instead of thinking "I hope this day gets over" or being at school and saying "I cant wait for today to just be done" to instead wake up and say, "God how can you use me today?" and be willing and ready for God to use us even in the smallest ways!! God wants us to give ourselves fully to Him and He wants to help us!! We just need to call on Him and ask for His help, because I don't know about you, but I'm already so materialistic that I NEED God's help in order to put my focus only on Him. But I long for that soo much. I want to just give my life away and when I die I want to be able to say that I have nothing left in me and that I did EVERYTHING I could and gave everything I had up for Him. And again I don't know about you but this makes me so so tired. It is so hard to do this and it wears me out. 1 Timothy 6:12 says "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." Do you grow weary at times from this whole "fight" analogy we have in scripture? I know there are days when my heart is weary of the fight. I want to give in to my pride, my selfishness, and my thoughts and not fight. If you haven't, I share this not to worry you but to simply share with you the days of weariness will come. But just as I type my weary whimpering, my heart in the depth of it knows that in my weakness He is strong and His burden is light!! Fighting the good fight will make you weary. but weariness should never make you stop fighting. It means that I keep fighting in the morning as the Lord awakens my heart to His world, instead of snoozing for 20 more minutes. It means that we keep fighting when the world says it;s not a big deal to dress the trendy way, but instead we stay trendily-modest with our fashion to directly link us to our security in the Lord. It means that we fight for souls, not grades or esteem or titles. We fight to bring glory to the Lord that has granted us access to eternity with Him. Oh my sweet friends, have you had a weary year this year? Is your fight knocked out of you from the messages the world has written on your heart? The Ultimate Trainer wants to train you each day, each moment in this fight! Get in the ring! He wants you to be His. He wants us to only focus on Him!!

Here's another song.. I know two in a row! but this song is an awesome song about "clearing the stage" and getting rid of our idols and the extremes that we may have to go through in order to 'clear our stages'

Crazy Love Sermon

In missions we watched a sermon by Francis Chan, in which he talked about why he wrote the book Crazy Love. I really, really liked this sermon and so many things spoke to me. I'll try just to hit on the major points though! One thing that he said that I really liked was that when you are convicted about something - DO SOMETHING! If you don't you'll make a habit of not doing anything when you're convicted. I think this is so true! I read about Abraham and how much he trusted God and hear about how I should do the same, yet I still don't trust God the way I should! I have a lot of other examples too, but to be honest I think a lot of the time I can get convicted and not do anything about it. Chan talked about the churches of Sardis and Laodicea that Revelation 3 talks about and they both scare me and break my heart. It hurts to see that this is what Christianity is like and it scares me because what if I am one of the people who are asleep or what if I am lukewarm? That truly truly scares me. I don't want to be asleep. I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be ON FIRE for God. I want to be AWAKE. One of the questions he asked was that if he asked my friends "what is courtney like? tell me about her. what is her reputation?" what would people say?? and if he asked God the same thing.. what would God say about me?? What would they look like? Would what my friends say be greater than what God says? A really cool illustration that has stuck with me is that our lives are like icebergs. When you see an iceberg, you can't really calculate how big it is - because it can be soo much bigger underwater than it is above. I think (not sure) that the statistic is that you cant see 90% of an iceberg... but I could be way wrong. Anyways, if our identity is an iceberg... it should only be slightly above water. If you ask yourself "who are you in Christ?" and you examine everything that consists of you - what does your iceberg look like?? If your identity is an iceberg then the part exposed above water (for everyone to see) should be your actions, behavior and the external things. But underneath the water (the inner most part of you) should be your cores, values, mission, motives, beliefs, and everything internal. See the thing is that storms are going to come. And when storms come if your 'iceberg' is 90% underwater or between you and God, the storms won't have much affect on you. However if the majority of your iceberg is you showing off for others, and you have less between you and God.. a storm will seriously shake you and leave you so so broken. I know this is probably really difficult to understand through a blog, it makes so much more sense if I'm just saying it - but I think its a really good analogy. But my point is that we need to focus our attention to our lives with God, not others. We need to ask ourselves if we are more concerned about our reputations than our character before God. Something that Chan said that is SO true is that It's SO silly to fake something when something SO BIG is on the line.

Today I met with my accountability partner Shelby and we just talked about life and areas of our lives and it just randomly came up the whole being fake thing. And she's the first person I ever told this too (and it wasn't that bad, and maybe it will help if I blog about it) but so frequently I feel SO fake. I felt like I was about to start crying or something when I finally admitted it to someone. But I'll go home and think that I put up a mask. I doubt myself and doubt that I'm actually a nice girl or a good cheerleader or a growing Women of Christ. I am like the QUEEN of doubt. Its absolutely horrible and now Shelbs is helping me by praying for me, but yeah I doubt myself so much. But I think that I put up this mask for people... but the most inward part of me knows that I'm not. Its like I think I put up this mask for people sometimes, but when I think about it - its not a mask!! Its just who I am. If I took away this mask that I think I have... there is nothing else. I'm not hiding anything, so why is it that I keep doubting myself?? I'm not going to pretend like I have the answer, because I have absolutely NO idea why I'm doing this. hahhaha I feel like I'm about to start crying, I don't even know why this makes me so emotional. But I told shelby like I can't tell if this is Satan just trying to get to me and take me away from God, or if this is God trying to tell me something?? I just can't tell. But its really hard and confusing and ughh I just don't understand why I question myself at all. But I was glad that I admitted it to her because I got to hear how she struggles with the same thing, so I'm blessed to know that I'm not the only one doubting myself.

Another thing Francis Chan talked about was how many will think they are going to Heaven but they are wrong, and Chan said that he doesn't want anyone who has been saved to doubt their salvation, but I just want to be honest - I am SO scared. I am terrified about this - what if God says to me "I never knew you" instead of "well done my good and faithful servant" I guess this just goes back to what I was saying about how I doubt myself. He brought up that if everyone around us is lukewarm, how will we know that we are not? He said, "is it that I am so spiritual, holy, godly, or is that the place we live in is so materialistic". This scares me too. I don't want to be lukewarm... but am I?? I want to be WHOLLY yours God. I want Him to examine the deepest parts of my heart and show me my worldly desires so that I can flee from them and run to His TRUTH. I want to become more like God and be AWAKE. but am I asleep?? am I lukewarm?? I just can't tell and it scares me so badly...

Here's a song by Spur58 called sleepwalkers that I'm kind of in love with... The lyrics are underneath it

Check your pulse
See if blood is rushing through
There should be a beating heart attached to you

We are sleepwalkers
Alive but not in love
We've forgotten, we've abandoned
what it means to have life

The day awaits your arrival
The day is waiting for you to wake up

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe

life is short, there is so much to be said
We should be the sign of life and not the dead

We're not lost stars, afraid of all this space
Let us light up, let us burn bright
And illuminate today

The day awaits your arrival
The day is waiting for you to wake up

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe

I think it's time for you to open up your eyes

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe



I don't know if I'm asleep.. but if I am... its time for me to WAKE UP. And I'm ready and willing and want to. I want to follow wherever God takes me and do things that I may find uncomfortable or unusual but that God is calling me to do.

Role Models

I thought the article about teenage role models was really interesting. I have a couple of role models who I really look up to. My brother is one of my role models because he just pursues everything with perseverance and intensity. He also approaches everything in a loving way and he is the least judgmental person that I know. The most influential role model I have is my old counselor Kristy Pyke. She is like the godliest girl I know that is in their twenties and she has seriously changed my life. She helps me through everything hard I go through and has the best advice in the world. My number one role model though is Jesus Christ. Honestly it like breaks my heart seeing my Christian friends who don't consider Jesus as their hero or role model. Most of us have heroes or role models who are celebrities or sports players who we don't know personally. And when you have one like this you can't wait to meet them. But why aren't we the same with Jesus Christ? If Jesus is your hero you should have a passion to find out everything about Him!! When we are kids and we have a role model - we want to be just like them. And I think its the same way now but just not as much as when we were little. I remember when I was little I went through a phase of wanting to be like Lizzie McGuire. I seriously would try to dress like her, to do my hair like her, to talk like her, and to act like her. I thought she was just the coolest person ever. I obviously have moved on from my Lizzie-McGuire-Wannabe days, but I think we should never stop being children and wanting to be like Jesus. I want to be like Him, walk like Him, talk like Him. In order to be more like Jesus I need to let God take charge of my life -- thats what He wants to do anyways!! When you put any role model before in front of Jesus I guarantee you they will fail. We are HUMANS! We fail! And the most amazing thing to think about is that Jesus will never fail us. We may not understand what he's doing sometimes, but He will never ever fail us and I think thats such a beautiful picture. So overall the article was really interesting to learn about who people consider their role models.

Missions Emphasis Week

Well this week was Missions Emphasis week at school and it was pretty good. Robbie Seay band came and I really like them and Chris was a really, really good speaker. I feel like overall this week hasn't been very influential. Like I feel as if I have already heard all the things that they tell. The talk that Drew and Lisa gave were both good, they just felt kind of shallow. We've all heard the story of the prodigal son and know we need to love others. I feel like in chapel we just keep getting the same messages and we aren't getting real messages because the speakers are too concerned with keeping every one awake and making sure their message isn't too long and has enough stories. Yes, stories are GREAT, but I'm tired of the messages we keep getting that are so *careful*. Being a Christian isn't always fun and you don't always have this perfect "I feel great" feeling. I want deep talks, I want speakers who aren't afraid to say, "THIS SCHOOL IS NOT REPRESENTING CHRIST THE WAY IT SHOULD." I want speakers who actually stir something in the hearts of students - good or bad!! How awesome would that be if we left chapel with questions. I know.. I should have warned you before coming out with such an outrageous idea. I think every chapel should challenge us. It should cause us to think about deep ideas - Instead of wrapping it up like a sitcom in 30 minutes or less, what if chapel moved us for days or weeks or, perish the though, months at a time? If we leave chapel without a series of questions about how to combine the truth you learn with everyday life, then chapel has been nothing more that reductional religion... just a think take of theology rather than a proactive discovery. I just think that the talks we get at chapel seem to be so so so careful. As if they are afraid to offend anyone's beliefs or feelings. At kamp, every single K-life, the talks we get are life-changing. I walk out of every message feeling like a changed person. I start asking more questions and learn more and more and something about these talks just sets my heart on fire. Out of the last three years, I probably remember every single K-life, because they changed me. Can you imagine if chapel changed us? If chapel not only changed the kids - but the faculty too? Imagine that... Well enough of my rant about chapel.. Again overall this week didn't really change me. The theme was love Houston, but I feel like I learned no way to love Houston.. I don't feel challenged to go out and love Houston and I don't feel too encouraged. Obviously I want too and am encouraged to by other things, but based on this week alone.. I feel the same. Which is really shocking for me because I usually get something out of every message. I did like Chris's talk on Thursday though. I thought it was really good. I just feel like we could have gotten so much out of this week, but we didn't. It was just an extra 45 minute nap for a lot of people instead of a heart stirring, brain questioning week. Oh how I hope things change.. 

http://vimeo.com/18726221

Encouraging Others

Why is it so hard to be encouraging and complimentary?? One of my mentors, Ashley, said this just the other day..

"I wanted to be a voice to tell you the core messages I think every little girl needs to know. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I heard the other day that this generation more than anything else wants to be complimented. More than ANYTHING...just to be complimented. I watch our little firstborn clap her hands together (her newest accomplishment) and stare at her daddy waiting for his reaction. I remember myself twirling around and around as a vent made my Sunday dress poof open and look like a princess. As I twirled I prayed that I was seen by someone to say...You are BEAUTIFUL. So to all the little girls out there, remember today that you are beautiful. Your sweet smile, you dimple that is only on your left cheek, your scar on your left knee from trying to jump a fence, your curly hair that is cray cray when you wake up...everything about each of you is beautiful. You are made in the likeness of Your Creator! His beauty illuminates in everything about you!"

The main part of this that I wanted to share was that this generation more than anything else wants to be complimented. I've really just been thinking about this and reflecting on it. And I started to think about how I think I may be one of those people that puts on a mask everyday. It would seem that everything in my life is just great, but it's not. I mean, I know I am super blessed with an amazing family, great friends, etc. But on the inside, I'm a mess. It doesn't make sense. If everything about my life is great, why do I struggle so much on the inside? I wish my friends would just sincerely ask me how I am doing, but a lot of the time they don't really seem interested in hearing what I'm going through. They act like nothing is wrong in their life so I do the same. It's frustrating! I need to fix what's going on in my life, but I don't really know where to begin. The devil is constantly putting doubts in my mind. I have trouble seeing God work in my life and my heart is just longing to see Him. Maybe I am just overlooking Him, I don't know. The way I feel is so hard to explain. I think that's why I don't bother sharing it with others. But I know there has to be someone else that is experiencing the same thing as me…..It's all so confusing. I just wanna give up! I hate having to figure this all out.
 But like I want to have real conversations with my friends and to feel like they are truly interested in how I'm doing. But then I start thinking about it.. and I'm not always asking them in the same way I want to be asked! Everytime I ask a friend how they are doing, I'm not always genuinely asking them. I'm not ready for a 15 minute talk with someone about how they have been down and need prayer. Its become like a routine to me. I want to ask people about how they are and just genuinely show love and concern to them. To show them that I CARE. That there is someone out there who really cares. My friend and I, and then Jack and I were talking about how Matthew says, "And the second command is like the first: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself." But we were talking about how before you love others you need to love yourself. And I know we love ourselves in the way that we are like selfish and self absorbed and stuff. But at the same time I know I personally am a really self conscious person and I know a lot of other people are. And I think in order to encourage and love on others we need to truly love ourselves and see the beauty in our lives that God sees. Ok welllllll I think I have a lot more to say but idk. hahaha sorry this blog is really rambledd. But overall I really LOVE complimenting others and being nice :) hahaha no matter how weird that is. 

           

Breakfast with Pops!

Saturday I had breakfast with my dad! It was really fun just talking to him about school and everything. We talked about how school was and my classes and cotillion and getting a dress and everything and then we also talked about his work and like this cigar store he's going to be putting in the club and it was really cool hearing an update about everything he was going to be doing! We also talked about college and I love talking about college :) the future is probably one of my favorite topics!! :) Anyways we just kind of talked about a lot of things and then we went to the car show and looked at cars that I like for my first carr! And I'm still thinking either a mustang or a jeep.. hahaha I'm not sure why! But it was really fun talking to my dad about a lot of stuff because we just got to catch up and he takes me to school in the morning so we talk every morning but it was to go out to eat together! So I really liked this assignment and it was really fun (:

Living Missionaly

To me personally, living missionaly means giving your life to Jesus. I really think that the only way to live fully in mission is through dedication of my life. I just started reading this book "Radical" and it really made me think of something in a COMPLETELY different perspective! Most people know that in the Bible Jesus says "take up your cross and follow me" and I guess to me this was just a verse that was permanent in my brain and I thought I knew what it meant but really didn't. Jesus saying this is like if some guy came to me and said "hey Courtney.. take up your electrical chair and follow me" well now that doesn't sound to pleasant at all!! "Pick up an instrument of torture and follow me"...  I'm really starting to notice that when Jesus was on earth He didn't come and "fluff" Christianity to make it appeal to people.. He didn't make you "feel good" so you would follow Him. He told people to sell all of their possessions to leave their families to take up their cross. Jesus called for people to abandon themselves. To turn away from whats comfortable and what feels good and to take a journey into faith in Him that He will provide. To maybe go through times when we are hungry or homeless or lonely, but to trust in Him through those times. To be a Christian is to be on mission. Our mission is clear even if our vocation is not. I think that I really need to ABANDON myself. I need to rid myself of this world no matter how hard that is. I think it'll be a really, really tough road, but God calls us too and I want to follow after Him whole heartedly.

I'm not completely living a missional life. I'll be the first to admit - sometimes I think I do a horrible job at living a missional life. I strive to be a girl that has Jesus shining through her. I remember in elementary school at T Bar M sports camp I strived to be what they called a WOG (Woman of God) and ever since then I've wanted to be a "WOG". I have this desire to be an example to my friends and a mentor to younger girls. More than anything I want to be the mentor I never had. I think that God has blessed me with a moldable heart and I want to be obedient with what He calls me to do. I think that in some ways I am living a life of mission but in someways I'm not at all. I love giving advice and I think that that is a way I am living missionaly. My friends can all trust me and I always turn back to the Bible with them and pray with them when they need me or my help. One of my favorite quotes is "Preach the gospel always, when necessary use words." I just love that. I think that the way I do everything should show that I'm a Christian. I totally agree with Coach Rodden in that my facebook, my twitter, the way I talk to people, the music I listen to, the words I use, the movies I watch, the parties I go to, and my whole life should look DIFFERENT than a non-Christians life. I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to live a normal Christian life.. I think that Jesus calls us to be RADICAL. and in order to be radical I need to abandon myself. I want to spend my summer going to Christian Camps, doing community service, going on mission trips around the world, having Bible study!! Not going to parties, watching tv, going shopping all the time and wasting my life away. My favorite song by Lecrae says, "I only got one life to live and I'ma live it, filled with the spirit of God theres no limit so I dream. I wanna be used by Christ in some way, maybe I can change a life some day, so I dream. Dream big, one life, one Lord one Christ, one Summer it may not be the last one.. but whatchya gonna do to make it better than the last one? I used to think that I was nothing in the Lords eyes - I aint know enough to be one of the Lords guys - knew a little Bible, knew a couple verses, never made disciples, I was so observant... They say the young will see the visions, but man I'm feeling blind... but then I heard of David takin down Goliath, small thing to a giant but he still tried it - what if I can fight it? what if I can find it? the heart to trust in God and dream of strength that He provided. Watchya dreamin about? Dream bigger you don't know what God could bring about. Dream of being the player that leads the team to Christ, dream of being the doctor who leads a team to life, dream of muslim nations, turn to worship Jesus, dream of shattered families - stop pick up the pieces, Dream of God using you up in the class halls and share the truth of Christ before they see the last fall." I posted like the majority of the lyrics to this song because I just truly LOVE this song. I want to make every year, every summer, every week, and every day "better than the last one". I want to dream BIG. All I have to do is dream that God can use me!! I want to ABANDON my life so that God can use me in big ways!! Even if in my whole life I only lead one person to Christ... God could use that one person to bring 400 people to Him! He works in such cool ways and if I have to dedicate myself and live missionaly my whole life to bring that one person to Christ... then that is awesome and I want to start now!!

As I've been saying a change in my life I need to make to live more missionaly is I need to work on giving myself ALL to Jesus. To "Die" to myself. I need to realize that I no longer have the right to focus on myself anymore. If I want others to follow God, I need to follow God. If I want others to obey Jesus' teachings, I need to obey Jesus' teachings. If I want people to be excited about godly things, I need to be excited. I need to respect people. I cant just give up because I don't feel like it anymore. I need to understand that my tone of voice and the words I use are soo important to the person listening to whatever it is I have to say and I need to be careful. There are people who just want someone genuine to look up to. If Jesus says we need to be careful about lust in our lives, we need to be careful! It's hard to follow someone who talks a good talk, but when it comes down to the bottom line, they live 180 degrees differently from the way they talk. This is the problem with Christianity, we have soo many hypocrites and it turns people away.  I really want to make disciples. (Matthew 28). God has a plan and he allows us to be an important part of this relationship. Nobody is going to come up and asked to be discipled - we are insecure people, and don't want people tohave the opportunity to reject us on so many levels. I don't know many people that would say, "Hey, would you mind meeting me every other week after school? I'd like to know more about Jesus." It just doesn't happen like that. Jesus didn't say "sit around and wait" He said GO! And going means I need to take a proactive step in identifying and initiating friendship with someone who could be a future disciple.

Evangelism

Today in class we read "The New Macedonia: A revolutionary New Era in Mission begins" by Ralph D. Winter. Honestly, I don't enjoy reading long articles. Books? love them! articles? put me to sleep. I already have the attention span of a five year old and in the middle of the day it kind of just gets worse.. So I really wasn't a fan of this article... maybe its just because a much older man wrote it and it felt kind of monotone.. I don't know. Haha so anywaysss...

E1 Evangelism: where a person communicates to his own people - obviously the most potent kind of evangelism. NEAR

E2 Evangelism: begins where the people you have reached are of sufficiently different backgrounds from those of people in existing churches that they need to form their own kind. Involves crossing the frontier between the church and the world and involves crossing the frontier constituted by significant differences of language and culture. CLOSE

E3 Evangelism: greater cultural distance. necessary in the 3rd sphere of Jesus' statement 'to the uttermost part of the earth'. work talk and think in languages and cultures utterly different than those native to the evangelist. most urgent. FAR

Every tribe and tongue has a strong, powerfully evangelizing church in it, and thus an E-1 witness within it, E-2 and E-3 efforts coming from outside are still essential and highly urgent.

"Christian unity cannot be healthy if it infringes upon Christian liberty" do I agree? I don't know. This blog is supposed to be where I can be honest and honestly I don't even know what this means. I've looked at this quote for like five minutes and still don't understand. I'm really good at like Bible and Science and Math but when it comes to English I'm a terrible reader and writer. This quote just makes no sense in my head. This article was painful to read. I am one of the younger people in this class but it seems like everyone reads through these long wordy articles with a breeze. But seriously even if I wanted to read this article and fully understand it I don't know if I could. I don't like these articles because I can't understand them. I get the main point which is good but the actually articles just make my head feel like its about to explode... soo I can't really answer this question from the article because I don't even get it! So I would love to answer this for you.. but I can't. This articles main points were good I just don't really like reading these articles, they are too hard and sort of boring.. sorry this blog kinda sucked.

Missions

In class we read an article called "World Mission Survey" by Winter and Fraser. Its a really interesting article about what is happening missionaly throughout the world. I think that there are opportunities everywhere to be a missionary. I think you can be a missionary at home,  but I also know that Matthew 28:19 calls us to GO and make disciples of all the nations. I think the obstacles in the way of missions advancement are that we are comfortable. It's really easy to say that God is calling you to the very place you want to be. But maybe the place God is calling you is not the place you're currently at. Its easy to convince ourselves that our comfort is confirmation to our conquest, to where we should be. But maybe discomfort that leads us to dependence on God should be our direction. I think not GOING because we are to secure, independent, and comfortable where we are at is a major obstacle. For me, after reading this article I kind of got excited on the inside. This world needs missionaries. Yes we have reached a lot of people like the article said - and thats awesome! but there is so much more of the world that we need to get too! Like I said in my blog about dating, marriage, etc. I really want to go to Kanakuk Link Year, however they are only taking 44 students (22 girls and 22 boys) making it extremely difficult to get in. So I've been looking for alternative ideas and found Kivu Gap Year. I've become really, really interested in it. While Link Year is still first on my heart Kivu Gap Year seems awesome! Its kind of the same and Link Year but focused more on missionary work. Kivu goes to South America for ten days, East Africa for 2 months, and South East Asia for 2 months. It seems REALLY awesome. To experience missionary work for a little over 4 months. Anyways I really, really feel like God has called me to go! If I could afford it, my whole entire summer would be full of mission trips!! I'm going to go on a mission trip to Florida, which I'm excited about... but I SO MUCH want to get out of the country!! I want to go on a mission trip to Africa or Haiti or just somewhere where they need missionaries.. I'm not really sure what else I can write about for missions because I'm pretty sure I have several other blogs talking about missions. But anyways the article had some really cool statistics! Sorry for the rambling blog..

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Today I'm reflecting on "the good, the bad, and the ugly" at HCHS. 

POSITIVES.

1. Houston Christian is a private school where we have the freedom to freely proclaim and express our love for God!
2. There are awesome programs that I think are really cool such as the Leadership program, classes such as Practical Missions and Discipleship, and the Colorado trip.
3. The athletics have been fantastic in previous years!! It seems as if there has been a slight decline in the past couple years, but Houston Christian has overall been really good at sports!
4. Block Schedule.. its soo helpful and I like having two days to do my homework!!
5. Traveling opportunities! I love that students have the opportunity to go on trips like to Israel, Puerto Rico, China, Africa, and so on. I think that is so cool and very special!! 
6. Bible classes at HCHS are really awesome! 
7. The teachers overall are all really great! They all will set aside time to help you if you need assistance and most of them know how to teach things several ways so that all the students will understand. I think that most of the staff at HCHS is really great. 
8. My favorite thing is how diverse the students are! We are all so different and it makes it so much fun to get to know everybody. However, while we are all unique we share the same love for the Lord and that is what makes Houston Christian so special.

NEGATIVES

1. The people. I hate how the people at Houston Christian can be so two faced and so hypocritical. it breaks my heart. Being a victim of it, I know how it feels. Seeing it done to other people hurts. I also hate that people are so judgmental. I hate that girls are judging each other based off of what they don't know, or that they will be rude to each other just because they are jealous. There is so much stuff going on in our school that is so WORLDLY and it just makes me sick. But I need to say that not everyone is like this!! Most people at HCHS are really good kids!!

I think thats the only negative thing I can think of!  I really do love Houston Christian and feel extremely blessed to be able to attend this school!! 

So thats my little tid bit for the day!! Oh I forgot to add on... I felt like it was time for my blog to have a face lift :). I think it looks much more welcoming and girly now and I love it!! :) 

Love, Dating, Marriage, and everything in between!

It absolutely breaks my heart the amount of divorce our world and culture has. I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of different things so I'm going to be rambling to the MAX in this blog but stick with me!! Hopefully you have some thought you agree with! :) Okay well first off here are my views about dating someone who is not a Christian. One of my favorite analogies that my mentor Adam told me was that if you run towards the cross and keep going towards the cross God will place someone in your life that is running towards the cross at the same speed and right next to you and then you can hold hands and run together towards the cross! I know its super cheesy but I love it!! I believe that if they don't love their master they won't be able to love you.

Another thing I believe is that LUST is a feeling, LOVE is a commitment. I think they get sooo mixed up in our world!! I think that hollywood is telling us that love is a feeling! Hollywood couples divorce because the "love feeling disappears!" Whenever those butterfly feelings disappear they decide to get divorced! and they are rubbing off on us!! The divorce rate of Christians is just as high as the secular world.. how sad is that?? we are supposed to  be examples to the rest of the world! I seriously think that our nation is plagued with divorce. We are basing our love off of Hollywood, off of songs and movies. When you get married that butterfly feeling isn't going to always be there, but from what I've heard from wise counselors I turn to - they love their spouses more and more EVERY DAY, because they have a commitment to love them. A lot of people disagree with me about love, but personally I've decided not to tell a boy I love them in an intimate way until he is down on one knee. What if Christ only felt lust for us? do you think he felt like hiking up Calvary, being spit on, mocked, and accused. But why did He do it? He did it because He made a commitment to us. Proverbs 4:23 - above all else guard your heart, for it is the WELLSPRING of life. guard your heart!! don't give it away!! 

The more focus we become on chasing a relationship, the less focused we become on chasing Christ. Relationships are meant to INCREASE your relationship with the Lord, not decrease. If you are in a relationship that's hindering your relationship with the Lord, break up with them! God wants you WHOLLY His - when your wholly His God will give you someone amazing!!  One of my favorite quotes is if you dance with the Lord, He'll let the right guy cut in! DANCE with the Lord!! Here is for the girls-- As women, we are naturally drawn to give our hearts over to man quickly and easily. It is our curse. "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” genesis 3. Our hearts want to be loved with physical, immediate love.  loving a God that is not tangible and for the most part not even audible is not an easy thing to do, especially when we are asked to be fully satisfied and wanting nothing else with an invisible God.  You might be saying, Great... now what...

But it is just like God to have everything under control and according to his purpose.  He purposefully designed it this way so that we couldn't rely on ourselves to love him. WHAT A CONCEPT! :)It is easy to look at a boy we like and say, yep I like him. you cant give any credit to the boy, he didn't do anything... for some reason our self is just attracted to his self.  But God compels our hearts and then requires it so we invite all of Him in (Holy Spirit for strength, Jesus Christ for forgiveness, and God the father for power and confidence) and provides the strength and reliance we need to love him that way he deserves to be loved. It is so easy to let my mind slip off God and onto someone else. when you are not in a relationship, then we need to be extra careful that we dont let out minds wander.  

Recently I thought this guy was going to pursue me and I really liked him. but then he stopped. I was fine and prayed a lot about it to guard my heart and focus on Jesus.  But I saw him again recently and this time I wasnt in constant prayer and I would catch myself thinking things were going to work out when he gave me absolutely no indication that he was even remotely interested.  That is the danger. We day dream and let our minds wander out of reality and into our own fantasy world. It is in God's character to want us to live in the present. to be sharp and aware (which is why he asks us not to be drunk, or worry, or be anxious..) so I take that and feel as it would be in God's character to ask us not to fixate on boys and create our own fantasy land (no matter how small and innocent it is)  .. anyway, he recently got a girlfriend, and surprisingly I was so relieved. I knew I was sinning by giving my heart to this boy when he had no intention of ever pursing it. so when I found out he was dating someone else it shattered my little hopes that he would still like me and freed me to see my sin and repent before the Lord. I had to humble myself before Jesus and acknowledge that I was thinking of someone else before him. I had to acknowledge that I was cheating on the Lord for I was giving myself over (even in the slightest most innocent way) before I was married.  

Now I dont want to be extreme with the purpose of setting a whole set of rules. I do not believe everyone has to take the same exact steps to guard their heart. and I do not agree with women telling other women they are not allowed to kiss before marriage etc.  but i do believe that you must be honest with your heart and see where you are struggling and where you stumble the most and step one repent. step two ask fall back head over heels in love with Jesus. step three ask for strength to truly be satisfied with whatever plan he has for you.

Ask jesus for a heart that would be satisfied if a boy is in your future and also a heart that would be satisfied if he is not.  ask for a heart that will love Jesus no matter the circumstances that lay ahead. We could love, we may never. We could marry this person, we could marry another. we may be married and have our spouse taken from us.  we could marry and not be loved the way we should. I pray with my whole heart that you find someone who loves you because he loves God more. I pray you find someone who attempts to treat you the way Jesus treats you and attempts to love you like Jesus loves the church. I pray all these things but I pray more that you will love back BECAUSE and only because Jesus first loved you and you first loved Jesus.  

In order to get over a boy, give your heart to jesus.  We must do this each and every day.  Give you heart soul and mind over to our loving God because he will transform your heart and will transform your desires to the point that you will look at a boy and say, "I am a daughter of the king... I may be with you I may not but I will stand unwavering in the mean time. I am already in love, you (if you are lucky) are just supplementary. " now dont say that in a spiteful way.  say it in a loving, genuine way speaking truth over yourself!

Okay moving on! here is some more of my rambling! I think we often drown out God's voice with the voice of those we are infatuated with. I think that when a girl is with a boy cuddling on the couch watching a movie, and he wants to do something.. we will drown out Gods voice to the voice of the boy saying its okay! Another thing I think is a major deal is praying with the opposite sex before your married - don't do it!! While sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone physically, prayer is the most intimate thing you can do with someone spiritually and emotionally. I'm not saying praying with a group of people that has the opposite sex involved is bad!! I'm saying don't pray with the person you are dating. It leaves girls emotionally unguarded, and boys can manipulate girls through it unknowingly. So often I hear of stories of girls saying "well I did this with him because I was afraid he would leave me" or "I decided to date him because he has waited like six months!!" Girls! Jacob waited FOURTEEN years!!! Guys don't date a girl because she has been waiting for a couple months and girls don't give into boys because you are afraid they won't wait. If Jacob waited, so can they!

Something else to keep in mind is that the Bible says above ALL things the heart is deceitful... take that in. above all things MY heart is deceitful. Our hearts will make us want things that we shouldn't wnat! It takes courage and honesty to truly invite God to examine your heart but I encourage you to soo much!  Guard your heart in all areas, not just when you are in a relationship by not using the words "I love you".  You can start to guard your heart now, even from getting too "emotionally attached" to your boyfriends(girlfriends), crushes, or even guy(girl) friends.  It is important as humans to be cautious with our hearts because even crushes can start to consume our minds and take over our day dream life, and ultimately take away from our walk with the Lord and our time spent with him.  Now it is not bad to crush.. but it is dangerous to dwell on crushes, to be "boy crazy" in a sense.

As a children of God we need to make sure that we are independently in love with Jesus and our strength comes from the Lord and not our community, our friends, or boys.  To help with that we need to truly check our heart and see if our satisfaction or value or confidence or mood come from whether we are getting attention or not.  If we are truly satisfied in the Lord and putting our whole value and confidence in him then we can not "chase after boys" and be able to patiently and contently wait as the Lord's plans unfold and wait for a man to pursue us.. not having to flirt or strategically put ourselves in position to get noticed.  I also want to add though that this is very hard! and I am soo not perfect at it. and even as much as I want to say I find my whole 100% value in HIM, in all honesty I don't all the time :(


But theoretically, if we can, then how much peace will we be able to have in not chasing after boys, knowing and understanding that the Lord has someone picked out just for you and he will notice you as a diamond in the rough and he will love you for the Godly woman you are, not as an attention seeker.. I love that picture! and it frees us women up to be 100% focused on him, because the men do all the work! and it frees us up to have unity with our sisters because we are not competing for attention! and it frees us up to love our sisters as more precious than ourselves because we are secure in the Lord and dont need worldly praise! but the ONLY ONLY ONLY way our sinful hearts can reach that state is truly through prayer and lots and lots of abiding in the Lord and spending time with him!

Something that I am SO passionate about is this think called link year..  I am praying day by day that I get in because I just feel soo called to do it! its like a gap year and its pretty much the coolest thing ever.. check it out! www.kanakuklinkyear.com

they only are taking about 22 girls and 22 boys, because they want a tight community and I pray that God chooses me to be one of those 22 girls! Anyways I'm sharing this because they have some really strict rules but some really awesome rules (to me anyways) I think that after living with these rules for a year it will teach me discipline for when I go off to college. Anyways some of the rules are 

• Curfew is 11p.m. on weeknights and 12:30 a.m. on Friday and Saturday. Students must be in dorms at these times.
• No one is allowed to tour the dorms of the opposite gender at any time other than arrival and departure day.
• Any substance such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes or anything that alters your ability to control your body is strictly prohibited. This includes abuse of any prescribed medications or over the counter drugs.
• No sexual contact of any kind during the course of the entire year, on or off campus.
• To protect the commitment to purity and renewing the mind, students choose to set aside secular television and secular music, as well as refrain from watching rated R movies.

Will link-year students be allowed to enter into dating relationships?

Students will not be penalized for dating while at the Link Year. We would prefer our students to participate in-group dating and hanging out in groups rather than one on one situations where temptation may occur. However, we will not prohibit dating. We think this is an opportune environment where young men and women can learn to accurately and Biblically pursue relationships with integrity. Rules at the Kanakuk Link Year are guidelines set up to help students focus completely on God and avoid distractions in their pursuit of growth.


how cool is that?? like guys cant come into girls dorm rooms and vice-versa. you cant drink, watch bad tv shows, listen to bad music, or watch bad movies. you have a curfew. Like most these things would drive people crazy!! but they make me SOO much more excited and wanting to get in!! I think that these rules for 8 months will change my life! I think they will give me a break from this world. They will teach me how to be in this world not of this world. I know this is pretty random I just want to go there soo bad and so I wanted to share the rules about relationships!  Anyways if anybody wants to know more about it let me know!! I LOVE talking about it!! Oh my word I have rambled so much :) I hope I've done this blog how I was supposed to Coach Rodden.. I tried :)


ps.. if you want to know my view on purity check out my blog from September called "Gods Purpose- WORTH READING!"

Your love is extravagant, your friendship, it is intimate. I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of your grace. Your fragrance is intoxicating in a secret place, cause your love is extravagant. <3