Crazy Love Sermon

In missions we watched a sermon by Francis Chan, in which he talked about why he wrote the book Crazy Love. I really, really liked this sermon and so many things spoke to me. I'll try just to hit on the major points though! One thing that he said that I really liked was that when you are convicted about something - DO SOMETHING! If you don't you'll make a habit of not doing anything when you're convicted. I think this is so true! I read about Abraham and how much he trusted God and hear about how I should do the same, yet I still don't trust God the way I should! I have a lot of other examples too, but to be honest I think a lot of the time I can get convicted and not do anything about it. Chan talked about the churches of Sardis and Laodicea that Revelation 3 talks about and they both scare me and break my heart. It hurts to see that this is what Christianity is like and it scares me because what if I am one of the people who are asleep or what if I am lukewarm? That truly truly scares me. I don't want to be asleep. I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be ON FIRE for God. I want to be AWAKE. One of the questions he asked was that if he asked my friends "what is courtney like? tell me about her. what is her reputation?" what would people say?? and if he asked God the same thing.. what would God say about me?? What would they look like? Would what my friends say be greater than what God says? A really cool illustration that has stuck with me is that our lives are like icebergs. When you see an iceberg, you can't really calculate how big it is - because it can be soo much bigger underwater than it is above. I think (not sure) that the statistic is that you cant see 90% of an iceberg... but I could be way wrong. Anyways, if our identity is an iceberg... it should only be slightly above water. If you ask yourself "who are you in Christ?" and you examine everything that consists of you - what does your iceberg look like?? If your identity is an iceberg then the part exposed above water (for everyone to see) should be your actions, behavior and the external things. But underneath the water (the inner most part of you) should be your cores, values, mission, motives, beliefs, and everything internal. See the thing is that storms are going to come. And when storms come if your 'iceberg' is 90% underwater or between you and God, the storms won't have much affect on you. However if the majority of your iceberg is you showing off for others, and you have less between you and God.. a storm will seriously shake you and leave you so so broken. I know this is probably really difficult to understand through a blog, it makes so much more sense if I'm just saying it - but I think its a really good analogy. But my point is that we need to focus our attention to our lives with God, not others. We need to ask ourselves if we are more concerned about our reputations than our character before God. Something that Chan said that is SO true is that It's SO silly to fake something when something SO BIG is on the line.

Today I met with my accountability partner Shelby and we just talked about life and areas of our lives and it just randomly came up the whole being fake thing. And she's the first person I ever told this too (and it wasn't that bad, and maybe it will help if I blog about it) but so frequently I feel SO fake. I felt like I was about to start crying or something when I finally admitted it to someone. But I'll go home and think that I put up a mask. I doubt myself and doubt that I'm actually a nice girl or a good cheerleader or a growing Women of Christ. I am like the QUEEN of doubt. Its absolutely horrible and now Shelbs is helping me by praying for me, but yeah I doubt myself so much. But I think that I put up this mask for people... but the most inward part of me knows that I'm not. Its like I think I put up this mask for people sometimes, but when I think about it - its not a mask!! Its just who I am. If I took away this mask that I think I have... there is nothing else. I'm not hiding anything, so why is it that I keep doubting myself?? I'm not going to pretend like I have the answer, because I have absolutely NO idea why I'm doing this. hahhaha I feel like I'm about to start crying, I don't even know why this makes me so emotional. But I told shelby like I can't tell if this is Satan just trying to get to me and take me away from God, or if this is God trying to tell me something?? I just can't tell. But its really hard and confusing and ughh I just don't understand why I question myself at all. But I was glad that I admitted it to her because I got to hear how she struggles with the same thing, so I'm blessed to know that I'm not the only one doubting myself.

Another thing Francis Chan talked about was how many will think they are going to Heaven but they are wrong, and Chan said that he doesn't want anyone who has been saved to doubt their salvation, but I just want to be honest - I am SO scared. I am terrified about this - what if God says to me "I never knew you" instead of "well done my good and faithful servant" I guess this just goes back to what I was saying about how I doubt myself. He brought up that if everyone around us is lukewarm, how will we know that we are not? He said, "is it that I am so spiritual, holy, godly, or is that the place we live in is so materialistic". This scares me too. I don't want to be lukewarm... but am I?? I want to be WHOLLY yours God. I want Him to examine the deepest parts of my heart and show me my worldly desires so that I can flee from them and run to His TRUTH. I want to become more like God and be AWAKE. but am I asleep?? am I lukewarm?? I just can't tell and it scares me so badly...

Here's a song by Spur58 called sleepwalkers that I'm kind of in love with... The lyrics are underneath it

Check your pulse
See if blood is rushing through
There should be a beating heart attached to you

We are sleepwalkers
Alive but not in love
We've forgotten, we've abandoned
what it means to have life

The day awaits your arrival
The day is waiting for you to wake up

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe

life is short, there is so much to be said
We should be the sign of life and not the dead

We're not lost stars, afraid of all this space
Let us light up, let us burn bright
And illuminate today

The day awaits your arrival
The day is waiting for you to wake up

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe

I think it's time for you to open up your eyes

Wake up and breathe again
There is life outside
This room you've run around
With your sleep-closed eyes
Come and see the daylight is running thin
Wake up and breathe



I don't know if I'm asleep.. but if I am... its time for me to WAKE UP. And I'm ready and willing and want to. I want to follow wherever God takes me and do things that I may find uncomfortable or unusual but that God is calling me to do.

Role Models

I thought the article about teenage role models was really interesting. I have a couple of role models who I really look up to. My brother is one of my role models because he just pursues everything with perseverance and intensity. He also approaches everything in a loving way and he is the least judgmental person that I know. The most influential role model I have is my old counselor Kristy Pyke. She is like the godliest girl I know that is in their twenties and she has seriously changed my life. She helps me through everything hard I go through and has the best advice in the world. My number one role model though is Jesus Christ. Honestly it like breaks my heart seeing my Christian friends who don't consider Jesus as their hero or role model. Most of us have heroes or role models who are celebrities or sports players who we don't know personally. And when you have one like this you can't wait to meet them. But why aren't we the same with Jesus Christ? If Jesus is your hero you should have a passion to find out everything about Him!! When we are kids and we have a role model - we want to be just like them. And I think its the same way now but just not as much as when we were little. I remember when I was little I went through a phase of wanting to be like Lizzie McGuire. I seriously would try to dress like her, to do my hair like her, to talk like her, and to act like her. I thought she was just the coolest person ever. I obviously have moved on from my Lizzie-McGuire-Wannabe days, but I think we should never stop being children and wanting to be like Jesus. I want to be like Him, walk like Him, talk like Him. In order to be more like Jesus I need to let God take charge of my life -- thats what He wants to do anyways!! When you put any role model before in front of Jesus I guarantee you they will fail. We are HUMANS! We fail! And the most amazing thing to think about is that Jesus will never fail us. We may not understand what he's doing sometimes, but He will never ever fail us and I think thats such a beautiful picture. So overall the article was really interesting to learn about who people consider their role models.

Missions Emphasis Week

Well this week was Missions Emphasis week at school and it was pretty good. Robbie Seay band came and I really like them and Chris was a really, really good speaker. I feel like overall this week hasn't been very influential. Like I feel as if I have already heard all the things that they tell. The talk that Drew and Lisa gave were both good, they just felt kind of shallow. We've all heard the story of the prodigal son and know we need to love others. I feel like in chapel we just keep getting the same messages and we aren't getting real messages because the speakers are too concerned with keeping every one awake and making sure their message isn't too long and has enough stories. Yes, stories are GREAT, but I'm tired of the messages we keep getting that are so *careful*. Being a Christian isn't always fun and you don't always have this perfect "I feel great" feeling. I want deep talks, I want speakers who aren't afraid to say, "THIS SCHOOL IS NOT REPRESENTING CHRIST THE WAY IT SHOULD." I want speakers who actually stir something in the hearts of students - good or bad!! How awesome would that be if we left chapel with questions. I know.. I should have warned you before coming out with such an outrageous idea. I think every chapel should challenge us. It should cause us to think about deep ideas - Instead of wrapping it up like a sitcom in 30 minutes or less, what if chapel moved us for days or weeks or, perish the though, months at a time? If we leave chapel without a series of questions about how to combine the truth you learn with everyday life, then chapel has been nothing more that reductional religion... just a think take of theology rather than a proactive discovery. I just think that the talks we get at chapel seem to be so so so careful. As if they are afraid to offend anyone's beliefs or feelings. At kamp, every single K-life, the talks we get are life-changing. I walk out of every message feeling like a changed person. I start asking more questions and learn more and more and something about these talks just sets my heart on fire. Out of the last three years, I probably remember every single K-life, because they changed me. Can you imagine if chapel changed us? If chapel not only changed the kids - but the faculty too? Imagine that... Well enough of my rant about chapel.. Again overall this week didn't really change me. The theme was love Houston, but I feel like I learned no way to love Houston.. I don't feel challenged to go out and love Houston and I don't feel too encouraged. Obviously I want too and am encouraged to by other things, but based on this week alone.. I feel the same. Which is really shocking for me because I usually get something out of every message. I did like Chris's talk on Thursday though. I thought it was really good. I just feel like we could have gotten so much out of this week, but we didn't. It was just an extra 45 minute nap for a lot of people instead of a heart stirring, brain questioning week. Oh how I hope things change.. 

http://vimeo.com/18726221

Encouraging Others

Why is it so hard to be encouraging and complimentary?? One of my mentors, Ashley, said this just the other day..

"I wanted to be a voice to tell you the core messages I think every little girl needs to know. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I heard the other day that this generation more than anything else wants to be complimented. More than ANYTHING...just to be complimented. I watch our little firstborn clap her hands together (her newest accomplishment) and stare at her daddy waiting for his reaction. I remember myself twirling around and around as a vent made my Sunday dress poof open and look like a princess. As I twirled I prayed that I was seen by someone to say...You are BEAUTIFUL. So to all the little girls out there, remember today that you are beautiful. Your sweet smile, you dimple that is only on your left cheek, your scar on your left knee from trying to jump a fence, your curly hair that is cray cray when you wake up...everything about each of you is beautiful. You are made in the likeness of Your Creator! His beauty illuminates in everything about you!"

The main part of this that I wanted to share was that this generation more than anything else wants to be complimented. I've really just been thinking about this and reflecting on it. And I started to think about how I think I may be one of those people that puts on a mask everyday. It would seem that everything in my life is just great, but it's not. I mean, I know I am super blessed with an amazing family, great friends, etc. But on the inside, I'm a mess. It doesn't make sense. If everything about my life is great, why do I struggle so much on the inside? I wish my friends would just sincerely ask me how I am doing, but a lot of the time they don't really seem interested in hearing what I'm going through. They act like nothing is wrong in their life so I do the same. It's frustrating! I need to fix what's going on in my life, but I don't really know where to begin. The devil is constantly putting doubts in my mind. I have trouble seeing God work in my life and my heart is just longing to see Him. Maybe I am just overlooking Him, I don't know. The way I feel is so hard to explain. I think that's why I don't bother sharing it with others. But I know there has to be someone else that is experiencing the same thing as me…..It's all so confusing. I just wanna give up! I hate having to figure this all out.
 But like I want to have real conversations with my friends and to feel like they are truly interested in how I'm doing. But then I start thinking about it.. and I'm not always asking them in the same way I want to be asked! Everytime I ask a friend how they are doing, I'm not always genuinely asking them. I'm not ready for a 15 minute talk with someone about how they have been down and need prayer. Its become like a routine to me. I want to ask people about how they are and just genuinely show love and concern to them. To show them that I CARE. That there is someone out there who really cares. My friend and I, and then Jack and I were talking about how Matthew says, "And the second command is like the first: 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself." But we were talking about how before you love others you need to love yourself. And I know we love ourselves in the way that we are like selfish and self absorbed and stuff. But at the same time I know I personally am a really self conscious person and I know a lot of other people are. And I think in order to encourage and love on others we need to truly love ourselves and see the beauty in our lives that God sees. Ok welllllll I think I have a lot more to say but idk. hahaha sorry this blog is really rambledd. But overall I really LOVE complimenting others and being nice :) hahaha no matter how weird that is.